You land your real-world “dream job” and it feels nothing like you had hoped for. You go through continuous interior monologues telling yourself you are not good enough. Sitting through a meeting with 10 other people, that inner voice is so loud and powerful, you hardly remember what you were going to say next.
Your biggest fear is that you wouldn’t be accepted for who you are, that your opinions and suggestions wouldn’t be valued as much as they deserve to be. You keep these most awesome, most impactful ideas to yourself, because you think: “What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if the team doesn’t like my ideas!” “What if they sound stupid?”
You go on thinking that you would feel more comfortable if that arrogant guy weren’t in the meeting!
That’s when we try to either change the outside world or change ourselves on the outside in a desperate attempt to feel better on the inside.
The Danger of Self-Talk
As Tony Robbins said: “It’s hard to love yourself when you’re not being yourself.” So, trying to change yourself, like focusing on saying the right thing or hiding your opinion, makes you walk around in an anxious ball of frustration.
The truth of the matter is that the real work must happen on the inside. These tips can help you feel more connected to yourself when your inner critic attempts to take over:
1. Make a Declaration to Yourself That You Will Simply Show Up
How badly do you want to skip the weekly meeting that makes you excruciatingly uncomfortable? Showing up can be as challenging as climbing a mountain. But actualizing yourself into self-acceptance involves showing up. Reaching new heights and achieving breakthroughs are not possible if we don’t show up to practice feeling comfortable with who we are. Attending that painful meeting despite the uncomfortable feelings helps push past the boundaries, practice self-love and see new results.
2. Remind Yourself that You Don’t Have to Change Yourself or Your Opinion to Fit In
Self-acceptance feels odd and unusual for many of us. Feeling uncomfortable is a sign of growth. But the process of trying to fit in will make you forget all about the value that you could bring to the table at a meeting. When you show up to that painful meeting, give yourself permission to be who you are and say what you think. Imagine yourself not feeling pressured to change yourself and be different from who you are to feel accepted. Feeling at ease means you know that you are enough the way you are, so you don’t have to change yourself to fit in.
3. Speak Kindly to Yourself
Many of us focus too much on pleasing others on a continuous basis. We try to keep everyone around us – coworkers, family, relatives, friends – happy. In the process, we forget how to speak kindly to ourselves. We sacrifice our happiness and mental wellbeing so that we feel accepted and well-liked. But deep down inside, we are mentally struggling, not feeling happy and satisfied. Life becomes easier when we say kind words to ourselves. Remember, happiness is an inside job.
Start by writing it all down:
- Give yourself kudos for completing the project milestones.
- Praise yourself for speaking up in the meeting.
- Tell yourself you did an awesome job juggling work, kids and family.
- Write a letter to your future self to manifest and set goals.
4. Let Go of Who You Think You Need to Be
When we focus on things we don’t have yet – a more prestigious job title, the dream corporate job, a significant pay raise – we are focusing on lack. Instead of finding joy in the present moment and things we already have, we feel inadequate because we are waiting for things to happen in the future. Our happiness depends on these future wants and needs. The lack mentality creates barriers that block the joy of being in the present moment.
- Do the hard work to achieve your goals, but don’t overthink the results.
- Slow down to be more present.
- Express gratitude for small things and pleasures that bring you joy.
- Get out of your head and into the moment. That way you’ll be more focused on your everyday small steps toward bigger goals.
5. Stop Judging Yourself - No More Blaming or Comparing
You have two kids and working full time, maybe working two jobs, either to make the ends meet or get your side hustle growing. Your inner critic tells you that you are not doing enough, that you are not a good parent. Your egoic mind makes you feel like a victim, telling you that you are not as far along as others. You start judging yourself in every aspect, both professionally and personally, and sometimes for just existing. To make matters worse, the 24/7 social media availability makes you compare yourself to others even more. We look at pictures of families and working parents who seem effortlessly balancing it all. We feel like everyone else is doing a perfect job and the more we compare ourselves to others, the more overwhelmed and frustrated we get. Self-compassion is about allowing ourselves to be who we are, without judging or comparing. Stopping the comparison mentality is crucial to being kind to yourself and feeling worthy. And that includes stopping to blame yourself as though everything is always your fault.
6. Find Power in Your Story
When we get to a place where we have an opportunity to share our story, we often worry about what others think. There is power in sharing; and when we share our true selves with others, we can celebrate our uniqueness. The foundation of any healthy relationship, at work or in your personal life is trust. We cultivate trust when we share and in the journey of powerful sharing, we may realize that our story inspires someone else to love and accept themselves.
7. Ask Yourself What Message Your Struggle Might Have for You
Lean in to your mental and physical state, when you feel uneasy, depressed, or anxious at work. When we lean into situations like this, we become more focused on and aware of our real needs.
Example 1: Perfectionism is mainly driven by our internal pressure to avoid judgment or failure. Breaking your tasks into smaller steps and reminding yourself that mistakes do not mean failures are actionable steps you can take to overcome perfectionism.
Example 2: People-pleasing reflects insecurities, the fear to be rejected or the need to be included and well-liked. People-pleasing is a very accommodating trait, but accommodating everyone and every situation results in burnout, resenting your job or your role in the family. Setting work-life boundaries and learning to say no to tasks and situations that don’t serve you well are crucial to guarding against becoming a perpetual people-pleaser.
A lot of our issues stem in a childhood problem that hasn’t been addressed. Impactful change can only happen when we become aware of the root cause, messages and real needs behind our struggle. Reflect on what you are learning and not on your struggles.
We don’t walk around saying we don’t love ourselves. Rather we show in our behavior that we feel we are just not enough. Most of us don’t talk about self-love. We all try to be enough, but forget that the outward expression we’re trying to demonstrate must start from within. Everything comes back to our relationship with self. There is so much power is expressing your true self, letting go of who you need to be and being open to new experiences, all positive outcomes of self-acceptance.